Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Is it Really Necessary to Brush Your Teeth?

Have you ever wondered why when you go to the dentist for a teeth cleaning they never use toothpaste? Clearly brushing your teeth isn't the best way to keep your teeth clean otherwise dentists would just brush your teeth for you, but who would pay for that!? So rather than be stupid and go to a dentist to have some lady in a Daffy Duck shirt scrape at your gums with tiny hooks, why not just scrape your own teeth at home?

Looks easy enough!

I use one of those metal compass things from school that you use to trace angles and use that pointy metal bit to trace along my gumline every month or so and that clears out all the plaque pretty well. Sure there is some bleeding, but you bleed at the dentist too, not even those fools are perfect. Another thing you can do is use a Brillo pad, (I prefer the ones without the colored powder cleaner crap on them) and just delicately run that nonsense over your gums. Again, you will bleed profusely, but hey that's nature. Don't let these shady toothpaste companies try to make you think their product is the only option.

University of Colorado Posts Controversial Anti-Rape Tips

The University of Colorado recently put up a list of 10 tips to help people deter rape, but it drew a lot of criticism and was deleted from their site. The most heavily criticized tip was "Vomiting or urinating may convince the attacker to leave you alone." This is incredibly offensive to me because when I was a child my grandmother told me if I was ever being raped I should poop myself. Vomiting and urinating are gross, but they're not gross enough to stop most people from raping, that's just common sense. Crapping on the other hand is something most people can't look past. No one wants poo poo all over them, it can spread dangerous bacteria. While it is not guaranteed to work, it certainly doesn't hurt to try.

Another tip was "Tell your attacker that you have a disease or are menstruating." This is a really stupid tip especially for men. You can't tell a rapist you're menstruating when you're clearly a dude. Then again that might make them laugh hard enough you can kick them and escape, who knows. The thing about saying you have a disease is it usually comes off as a blatant lie, the same with menstruation. If you don't look the part then just saying it won't be enough. You better look like you have lots of diseases otherwise the rapist won't buy it.

Ultimately, the best rape defense are those female condoms with the spiky teeth that latch onto the rapist's penis. If you're a man it may be a little more uncomfortable to install this device, but it probably works. Anything else people tell you is just unproven advice or old wives' tales. Even pepper spray isn't a sure fire method because you have to get it out of your pocket which is difficult to do in the moment of a surprise attack. Just use the spiky female condom.

African American People in Movies About Future

Sometimes you just happen to notice when there absolutely no African American people in a movie. "Blade Runner" is one of those movies. It's not racist to notice because African American people notice that kind of thing too, if I'm thinking the same way an African American person is then that makes us on the same level and that's the opposite of racism! What makes it startling is that "Blade Runner" is set in the future. What happened to African American people from now to then?

I emailed director Ridley Scott and asked for his thoughts. So far I haven't received a reply. I don't think there were any African American people in the "Alien" movies either come to think of it, though I could be wrong, maybe there was ONE. For some reason depictions of the future aren't kind to African American people. For instance, "The Jetsons". Is it that hard to just DRAW someone with at least a tan? What the hell is wrong with these people?

Monday, February 18, 2013

What is the Best Sleeping Position?

This dumbass baby ain't doing it right.
Experts always argue about the best way for a person to sleep. Sleeping on your back creates snoring problems and sleeping on your front will suffocate you to death with your own pillow. Some people think sleeping upside down is the best sleep method, but if you're out too long you risk too much blood rushing into your head and you can die in your sleep. I was looking for years for the best way to sleep and then I looked at a dog and it hit me. Having sex like a dog is the best, so what about sleeping like a dog too?

I layed down on my stomach, but put my chin UP and kept my arms tucked under so I was lying ontop of them just the way a dog does and I slept like a damn kitten. The best part about sleeping doggy style is it really makes farting a lot easier since your ass is up in the air the whole time. This can help prevent constipation and allow your anus to breathe unlike some other sleeping methods. Sleeping doggie style is also great for your back. So do yourself a favor, try sleeping doggy style tonight just make sure you tell everyone first so they don't walk in and scream because it does look rather startling.

What is The Best Thing to Say Before You Die?

If you're like most people, dying is probably the most important thing you will ever do. While death may strike at any moment, it's important to have a phrase ready to say when it does. Once we're dead, our legacy is all that remains and your final words are a great chance to add the finishing touches to that legacy. So whether it's on the bus, in the middle of a marathon, or simply in bed with a hooker who turns out to be your ex-wife's incredibly jealous and psychotic lesbian lover, here are the top 5 coolest things to say before you die.

5). "The only thing I regret is not getting enough potassium in my diet."

4). "Tell my children, I will have my revenge..."


2). "Well, looks like this is it. I mean you think about this moment a lot, but when it actually arrives it's like 'Wow, I can't believe this.'"

1). "Toodles."

People Making Marathons About Race

Whenever there's a marathon you always hear at least one person comment about the fact that only Africans win and whenever there's an Ironman triathalon or a swimming competition or a NASCAR event you always hear someone say "Hey how come there are no Black people?" For some reason people are always trying to make speed travel contests about race. When you're at a race, race should be the last thing on your mind. The faster people can realize that race means nothing, the sooner we can discuss race maturely and understand that race is about race and not race.

(Before Black people were allowed to participate).

Sunday, February 17, 2013

What if You Could Really Jizz Skittles?

There's a popular Skittles commercial that shows a guy having intercourse his wife before he pulls out and ejaculates Skittles into her mouth making her "taste the rainbow". I've been thinking about this a lot lately and I wonder what life would be like as a person who could jizz real Skittles.

You could sell your used condoms to people for a dollar each and basically start your own business. I think it would also be convenient at strip clubs in case you accidentally ejaculated during a lap dance, instead of it being a big embarrassing thing you can just say "Whoops! My Skittles bag broke!" There's pretty much no negative to this. The only time it could get weird is if you were trapped in an elevator with someone for hours and you started getting hungry so you decided to procure some Skittles for yourself and the person there with you thought you were just straight up masturbating. But soon enough they'd realize it was just Skittles.

The big question is "Can you impregnate a woman with Skittle sperm?" If we are to assume the answer is yes, then the next question becomes, "What will the child look like?" I imagine it would be like a Skittle version of one of the talking M&M's with the white gloves. So that would be pretty awkward, but at least the kid could probably get a deal with Skittles and make a nice life for itself. Whatever the kid ends up looking like, I'm sure a big rule around the house is "No eating stray Skittles found near daddy's socks!"