Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Is it Really Necessary to Brush Your Teeth?

Have you ever wondered why when you go to the dentist for a teeth cleaning they never use toothpaste? Clearly brushing your teeth isn't the best way to keep your teeth clean otherwise dentists would just brush your teeth for you, but who would pay for that!? So rather than be stupid and go to a dentist to have some lady in a Daffy Duck shirt scrape at your gums with tiny hooks, why not just scrape your own teeth at home?

Looks easy enough!

I use one of those metal compass things from school that you use to trace angles and use that pointy metal bit to trace along my gumline every month or so and that clears out all the plaque pretty well. Sure there is some bleeding, but you bleed at the dentist too, not even those fools are perfect. Another thing you can do is use a Brillo pad, (I prefer the ones without the colored powder cleaner crap on them) and just delicately run that nonsense over your gums. Again, you will bleed profusely, but hey that's nature. Don't let these shady toothpaste companies try to make you think their product is the only option.

University of Colorado Posts Controversial Anti-Rape Tips

The University of Colorado recently put up a list of 10 tips to help people deter rape, but it drew a lot of criticism and was deleted from their site. The most heavily criticized tip was "Vomiting or urinating may convince the attacker to leave you alone." This is incredibly offensive to me because when I was a child my grandmother told me if I was ever being raped I should poop myself. Vomiting and urinating are gross, but they're not gross enough to stop most people from raping, that's just common sense. Crapping on the other hand is something most people can't look past. No one wants poo poo all over them, it can spread dangerous bacteria. While it is not guaranteed to work, it certainly doesn't hurt to try.

Another tip was "Tell your attacker that you have a disease or are menstruating." This is a really stupid tip especially for men. You can't tell a rapist you're menstruating when you're clearly a dude. Then again that might make them laugh hard enough you can kick them and escape, who knows. The thing about saying you have a disease is it usually comes off as a blatant lie, the same with menstruation. If you don't look the part then just saying it won't be enough. You better look like you have lots of diseases otherwise the rapist won't buy it.

Ultimately, the best rape defense are those female condoms with the spiky teeth that latch onto the rapist's penis. If you're a man it may be a little more uncomfortable to install this device, but it probably works. Anything else people tell you is just unproven advice or old wives' tales. Even pepper spray isn't a sure fire method because you have to get it out of your pocket which is difficult to do in the moment of a surprise attack. Just use the spiky female condom.

African American People in Movies About Future

Sometimes you just happen to notice when there absolutely no African American people in a movie. "Blade Runner" is one of those movies. It's not racist to notice because African American people notice that kind of thing too, if I'm thinking the same way an African American person is then that makes us on the same level and that's the opposite of racism! What makes it startling is that "Blade Runner" is set in the future. What happened to African American people from now to then?

I emailed director Ridley Scott and asked for his thoughts. So far I haven't received a reply. I don't think there were any African American people in the "Alien" movies either come to think of it, though I could be wrong, maybe there was ONE. For some reason depictions of the future aren't kind to African American people. For instance, "The Jetsons". Is it that hard to just DRAW someone with at least a tan? What the hell is wrong with these people?

Monday, February 18, 2013

What is the Best Sleeping Position?

This dumbass baby ain't doing it right.
Experts always argue about the best way for a person to sleep. Sleeping on your back creates snoring problems and sleeping on your front will suffocate you to death with your own pillow. Some people think sleeping upside down is the best sleep method, but if you're out too long you risk too much blood rushing into your head and you can die in your sleep. I was looking for years for the best way to sleep and then I looked at a dog and it hit me. Having sex like a dog is the best, so what about sleeping like a dog too?

I layed down on my stomach, but put my chin UP and kept my arms tucked under so I was lying ontop of them just the way a dog does and I slept like a damn kitten. The best part about sleeping doggy style is it really makes farting a lot easier since your ass is up in the air the whole time. This can help prevent constipation and allow your anus to breathe unlike some other sleeping methods. Sleeping doggie style is also great for your back. So do yourself a favor, try sleeping doggy style tonight just make sure you tell everyone first so they don't walk in and scream because it does look rather startling.

What is The Best Thing to Say Before You Die?

If you're like most people, dying is probably the most important thing you will ever do. While death may strike at any moment, it's important to have a phrase ready to say when it does. Once we're dead, our legacy is all that remains and your final words are a great chance to add the finishing touches to that legacy. So whether it's on the bus, in the middle of a marathon, or simply in bed with a hooker who turns out to be your ex-wife's incredibly jealous and psychotic lesbian lover, here are the top 5 coolest things to say before you die.

5). "The only thing I regret is not getting enough potassium in my diet."

4). "Tell my children, I will have my revenge..."


2). "Well, looks like this is it. I mean you think about this moment a lot, but when it actually arrives it's like 'Wow, I can't believe this.'"

1). "Toodles."

People Making Marathons About Race

Whenever there's a marathon you always hear at least one person comment about the fact that only Africans win and whenever there's an Ironman triathalon or a swimming competition or a NASCAR event you always hear someone say "Hey how come there are no Black people?" For some reason people are always trying to make speed travel contests about race. When you're at a race, race should be the last thing on your mind. The faster people can realize that race means nothing, the sooner we can discuss race maturely and understand that race is about race and not race.

(Before Black people were allowed to participate).

Sunday, February 17, 2013

What if You Could Really Jizz Skittles?

There's a popular Skittles commercial that shows a guy having intercourse his wife before he pulls out and ejaculates Skittles into her mouth making her "taste the rainbow". I've been thinking about this a lot lately and I wonder what life would be like as a person who could jizz real Skittles.

You could sell your used condoms to people for a dollar each and basically start your own business. I think it would also be convenient at strip clubs in case you accidentally ejaculated during a lap dance, instead of it being a big embarrassing thing you can just say "Whoops! My Skittles bag broke!" There's pretty much no negative to this. The only time it could get weird is if you were trapped in an elevator with someone for hours and you started getting hungry so you decided to procure some Skittles for yourself and the person there with you thought you were just straight up masturbating. But soon enough they'd realize it was just Skittles.

The big question is "Can you impregnate a woman with Skittle sperm?" If we are to assume the answer is yes, then the next question becomes, "What will the child look like?" I imagine it would be like a Skittle version of one of the talking M&M's with the white gloves. So that would be pretty awkward, but at least the kid could probably get a deal with Skittles and make a nice life for itself. Whatever the kid ends up looking like, I'm sure a big rule around the house is "No eating stray Skittles found near daddy's socks!"

Why Aren't Funeral Homes More Haunted?

When you think about the types of places haunted by ghosts you think old Victorian homes and graveyards. Very rarely are funeral homes and mortuaries reported to be haunted by ghosts, why is that? At first, ghosts and funeral homes seems like a natural mix, but are they really? Ghosts typically haunt the places in which the person they used to be dies. No one ever actually dies in a funeral home, that's where their corpse is taken after they die. Cemeteries are curious because they are often haunted and that's a step further than the funeral home. What the hell happens between dying in your Victorian home and being buried in a cemetery that makes you unable to haunt the funeral home?

This is the type of place ghosts tend to haunt. Ghosts have class.

If it is possible for ghosts to haunt funeral homes then you would think funeral homes would be among the most haunted locations on Earth considering how many corpses and spirits are brought there. If ghosts could haunt funeral homes then you wouldn't be able to step foot into a funeral home without feeling a ghostly presence right in your face. It'd be like walking into a sardine can packed chock full of ghosts. The thing is, I've snuck into funeral homes before in search of ghosts and the scariest thing I ever discovered was the guy who embalms people and sleeps in the goddamn basement of the place! Needless to say he was not pleased to see me. Fact is, for whatever reason, most funeral homes are not haunted so please leave these embalming people alone they have hard enough jobs as it is.

Who is the Fifth Dentist?

The famous Trident commercials claim that "Four out of five dentists recommend chewing sugarless gum". That always sticks out to people, but my guess is that fifth dentist is the smart one. If you recommend chewing sugary gum and sweets to your patients you're going to be doing a lot more business. I never understood why anyone would trust the word of a dentist. What benefits do they gain when you have perfect dental health?

Dentists are always trying to do unnecessary surgeries to have your wisdom teeth removed so why wouldn't they tell you to gargle with Dr. Pepper every night before bed? You're dealing with people who choose to dig inside stranger's mouths for a living, how can anyone trust them? Dentists are like proctologists, I don't believe a damn thing they say because they work with moist bacteria laden orifices. Too many years of that and you're lucky if only every fifth dentist goes completely insane.

Do You Lean To The Left or Right When You Fart?

Experts are always talking about how body language subconsciously reveals people's true intentions. That means nearly every single thing you do has a meaning to it that you might not even be aware of. One of the most curious of these actions is leaning to either your left or right before you cut a fart.

What could we learn from which direction someone leans when they rip one? What I have found is that perhaps they're subconsciously revealing their political beliefs. What else could possibly dictate which way you lean during a fart? There are nearly no physical factors that would affect this as there is no tangible division in the human anus. It's all one piece, there is no east or west coast. The decision has to be linked to something much deeper that is always on one's mind and that very well might be politics.

So the next time you're out with someone new and you see your date lean half way off the chair with a pained look on their face, take notice of which side they're tilting toward. If it's to their left, they're most likely a liberal and if it's more toward their right, they're a conservative. If they don't lean at all and just fart with both cheeks pressed to the chair then they're one of those tricky independents and you have to watch out, that means they're highly complex. And if they somehow accidentally shart and have to leave dinner then they're likely incontinent. Either way you'll be able to tell a lot about a person by the small things they do. So keep your eyes open and your nostrils closed!

How to Deal with the Invisible Rope Prank

The Invisible rope prank is where two kids pretend like they're holding a rope stretched across a suburban street. The joke is that the people driving up to them aren't sure if there's a real rope or wire there so they slow down and wait for the Tug of War to end.

I don't understand how this ever works on people. If you're hesitant enough to not want to drive through an invisible rope then your vision and decision making skills are horrible and you shouldn't be on the road because you're a danger to yourself and others. The next time you see two kids acting like they're holding a rope over the road just drive through going full speed.

If by some chance they are actually holding a rope then the force of you going through it will rip it out of their hands and teach them a lesson. Why would you be holding a rope over a street anyway? That's absurd. Children shouldn't be doing that much less pretending to do that. There is no worst case scenario when just driving through. The rope isn't going to make your car explode. Ropes aren't the secret weakness of cars.

Why Does it Hurt to Laugh Really Hard?

Sometimes it seems the only thing that hurts more than being laughed at is being the one who's laughing at someone. When you laugh too hard it feels like you're dying. What is the evolutionary reason for this reaction? If laughing too much didn't hurt then it's possible people would just keep on going laughing forever which would lead to the degeneration of the brain and eventual insanity. Thankfully when you laugh too much your lungs are overworked and you lose breath. The pain that is experienced when laughing too hard often forces the brain to stop finding whatever you're looking at funny even if it's a naked midget on fire riding a unicycle with a poodle on its head or whatever you think is the funniest thing imaginable. The brain has to stop finding things funny eventually just the same way it has to stop finding people attractive, which is the same reason your marriage fell apart. It's all meant to save your brain from eating itself alive.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

The Smartest Ways To Die

You always hear about the dumb ways people die like blow drying their hair in a full bathtub or directing traffic naked on the freeway or trying to massage the genitals of a grizzly bear, but you rarely hear about the smart ways someone can die. If you're like me then you want some options when it comes to your death so you can die in a more intelligent fashion.

The problem is most of the ways people die are dumb. Death is the only reason stupidity is a negative trait to begin with. There are some smart ways to die though, for instance you could die while operating a Large Hadron Collider. Or you could die by being murdered by a robot you accidentally made sentient. I would personally prefer being assassinated shortly after winning one of those big Crossword puzzle tournaments by a bitter, defeated rival. That has to be one of the smartest possible ways to die. Another would be to die like Spock in "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan".

Any type of radiation death is usually pretty intelligent. If you've got access to insane radiation then there's a good chance you graduated college so even if you make a mistake that's still a pretty smart way to go out. Of course the ultimate smart way to die would be to explode in a space shuttle. RIP Challenger and Columbia! May god rest your highly intelligent souls.

Why Hasn't NASA Returned To The Moon?

When people claim that the Apollo moon landings were a hoax one of the main things they point to is how NASA hasn't returned to the Moon since. To me this isn't a valid point because we discovered the Moon is really boring. Going to the Moon is like going to the dentist. You think it's important as a kid, but after around six visits you realize it's a huge pain in the ass and it isn't worth the time, money, or trouble. As long as I brush and floss and try to stay away from sugar I never have to go to the dentist ever again. I'm on to bigger and better things like sending robots to Mars.

Honestly how could we have a rover on Mars if it wasn't possible to get onto the Moon? The Mars Rover would have to be a hoax too and I don't hear anyone saying that because there's no real politics behind the Mars rover, it's a completely useless project that no one gives a rat's ass about.

Why Was Winston Wearing Red Pajamas?

"Ghostbusters II" is one of the greatest motion pictures ever made during the course of human history, but after you've seen it eighteen hundred times you begin to notice certain things. One of those things is the relationship dynamic between the Ghostbusters, specifically the subtle division between the original Ghostbusters and the last man they hired, Winston Zeddemore.

When Ray and Egon are developing the photos of Vigo they all took at the museum they're discussing what type of food to get for dinner that night. Then the photos self-immolate and the door locks shut on them leading Winston to bust in from wherever the hell he was with a fire extinguisher to save the day. I guess it was good that Winston wasn't hanging out with Egon and Ray, but what the hell is that about? I mean they're just going to make the decision to get Chicago Deep Dish pizza without consulting Winston at all?

Winston didn't even get to be on the album cover.

Later on Ray, Egon, and Winston are in the subway tunnel when a ghost train comes screaming through. Ray and Egon jump out of the way and let Winston get fully violated by the apparition. After that Winston is told to measure the depth of the river of slime. Why this has to be done is beyond me... Ray knows the liquid is alive at this point, so why wouldn't it pull Winston in? Fortunately they care enough about Ernie Hudson to jump in after him. When they escape the subway tunnels Egon suggests they all strip naked and there it's revealed that Winston for some reason is the only one wearing all red pajamas while Egon and Ray have traditional grey Ghostbusters pajamas. Why was Winston wearing red pajamas? Why was this decision made? What is the significance, if any? Is it merely a random decision? I don't believe so.

Why Aren't Bidets in Every Bathroom Already?!

Man Operating High Powered Bidet with Optional Nozzle Attached
Once you've adjusted to the unnatural feeling of a garden hose spraying out your shitcannon you realize that it's probably what god intended for life all along. Ancient man used to wipe his ass with leaves and papyrus, but the smart ones would find the nearest waterfall and let the soothing power of H2O wash their anus clean. It's not going to be an easy transition to make, but I think every bathroom in the world needs to use a bidet instead of toilet paper.

I wouldn't be surprised if the only thing keeping this from happening is the will of the dirty corrupt toilet paper companies like Charmin and Cottonelle that know their asses are on the line here. The fact is we're not running out of water any time soon, but we are running out of trees. If you care even a little about the environment, wiping your asshole with processed tree flesh has to be one of the most hypocritical things possible aside from skinning a dolphin with a bowie knife. Make the switch to a bidet today!

Important Tip Before Swimming With Dolphins

When you to to Dolphin Land or some other aquarium place with dolphins sometimes they'll have an area where you can pay to go swim with dolphins. This can be a very exhilarating way to spend some quality time with nature's undersea professors, but it can get even better. No I don't mean putting your penis in their blowhole, that's illegal and wrong. What I like to do is before I get into the interaction area, when no one is looking I slim a decent sized fish as far into the crack of my ass that I can.

I do not stick the fish INTO my anus, I just wedge it between the buttocks. And it should preferably be a dead fish. Either works, but employees are more likely to see a living fish flapping around in there, plus that could be considered cruel to some. Anyhow, putting a dead fish into my ass ensures that I am the most popular person in the whole damn pool and gives me the best overall experience. If you're a woman you may not need to do this, but if you did, I can only imagine how much more awesome it would be for you. So don't be shy, wedge a cod in your asscheeks and jump in!

Is Flossing Good or Bad?

Wow! That is A LOT of floss!
Dentists are always trying to get you to floss, but why should you listen to a dentist? They only make money when you have a problem with your teeth. I stopped flossing years ago and since then I've never had any dental problems. I realized that flossing did more damage to me than it stopped because when you floss you're breaking up the bacteria inbetween your teeth and opening bloody wounds for the bacteria to get inside and infect.

In caveman days no one flossed and that was never a problem because the mouth is supposed to be full of bacteria. If you never floss, the bacteria between the teeth will form plaque which then closes the spaces inbetween your teeth and prevents new bacteria from getting to the gums. That's the trick, you need to have the bacteria form benign structures that end up being as hard as tooth.

The problem with the dentist is they're always scraping it off and telling you to floss so you reopen the wounds and that good solid bacteria can't form properly. Rarely do people take the time to develop the inner tooth crust that so far has been keeping me out of the dentists chair for years now.

Anti-Soft Drink Commercial Shows Man Eating Sugar Packets

There's this new commercial for the Nation Movement Against Soft Drink Consumption and it shows a man sitting at a bar tearing open sugar packets and pouring them into his mouth. In the ad, the people around him are staring at him like he's a freak while they're drinking sodas. The commercial asks "If it's weird to eat sixteen packets of sugar why would you drink it?" While it's true that soft drinks have too much sugar and sugar is bad for you, I think the point of this commercial is a little off. Most drinks and foods are made up of things that would seem ridiculous to eat individually like a sugar packet. It would be weird to watch someone eating Iron powder, but that doesn't make someone think twice about eating a steak. Eating little dried out barley and hops at a bar would look weird, but guess they put in beer! And actually a lot of people eat sugar packets. I used to do that as a kid and yes people did stare. And yes, it did hurt.

A Good Alternative to Cannibalism

Note: The staff at "DIARRHEA FALCON" does NOT condone the act of cannibalism.
I'm not sure if you knew this, but cannibalism is illegal. Fortunately for all the cannibals out there reading this, there are other ways to satisfy your urges that don't involve killing human beings which again, is highly illegal and morally reprehensible. Instead of eating a real person why not try purchasing a used yet realistic looking human corpse prop from a Hollywood makeup company then fill it with raw beef and/or pork, maybe venison. If you can't afford any of the more realistic dummies, but you have bad vision you can always get a department store mannequin, hollow that out, fill it with raw animal meat then take your glasses or contacts out and eat. The same effect should be achieved.

Maybe to enhance the mood you can play audio files of a person screaming in agonizing pain if that helps. It won't be exactly the same, but it doesn't have to be. It should feel real enough and the yearning you feel for the realism that's missing can be squelched by the part inside of you that doesn't really want to kill people and eat them. By satisfying that small part of your subconscious, maybe that will be enough to keep you from eating a real living person ever again. Then again, maybe not...